Hindsight does not always have twenty-twenty vision, but it can.
How? By taking an honest look at our past experiences. We must
look at what went wrong, how we contributed to what went wrong,
what we have learned from our experience, and what steps we
need to take in order to prevent making the same mistakes in the
future. There are warning signs along the highways and byways of
life, yet sometimes our lack of knowledge and experience causes us
to miss them. Hindsight becomes insight when we allow ourselves
to heal and grow from past mistakes, and insight becomes foresight
when we apply the lessons learned from our past to our future.


This book is about the realization of a vision that God gave me.
The realization of my vision required hindsight, foresight, and insight
because it was birthed out of a nightmare, but ended up being a
wonderful dream come true. My hindsight has twenty-twenty vision,
but it wasn’t always that way. Here’s how it all started.


In December of 1990 I attended the wedding of a dear friend
of mine. As she and her husband-to-be were about to take their
vows, I was struck by the admonition of their pastor when he said,
“Marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly.” The statement
struck a chord within me! The word ‘unadvisedly’ means ‘having
received no advice; not informed; carried out without careful
deliberation.’ This suggests that before you marry you should receive
some (good) advice; you should have some information about
yourself, your potential partner, and marriage itself. Marriage should
not be entered into without careful deliberation. When you get a
chance, look up the words ‘careful’ and ‘deliberation’ in a
dictionary. If you’re in a relationship and considering marriage, think
of this as a required homework assignment.


It dawned on me for the first time that the decision to marry and
marriage itself is such an important undertaking that it requires careful,
deliberate consideration and wise counsel. I had never thought
about marriage in those terms until that moment. I began to think
back on my own life and the decisions I had made concerning
marriage. I had not received advice, I did not have enough
information, and I certainly entered into it without careful
deliberation. I was one who, because of ignorance, was unable to
see the warning signs. But that day at the wedding of my friend, my
vision began to clear.


At that time I had been separated for two years, a year longer
than I had been married. Why did I end up separated after only a
year of marriage? Hindsight has taught me that red flags were waving
before I got married. How did I end up in the situation I was in? In
a nutshell, I had “entered in unadvisedly.” Here are a few specifics
about some of the areas that proved to be the most detrimental.
When I got married I had just turned twenty-two and I had lived
a fairly sheltered life. I was brought up in the church and knew of
God, but I did not know God. After a brief period of resistance, I
accepted the Lord at the age of fifteen. Even though (and probably
because) I became a Christian at a young age, after seven years of
being in the church there was a lot I had not been exposed to. At
age twenty-two, I was not an immature person overall, but I still had
a lot to learn about relationships. I was in my last year of college and
certainly still at a very formative stage of my emotional, physical,
mental, spiritual, and social development. I did not have a clear
concept of who I was yet, much less who I wanted to spend the rest
of my life with. Some people are very mature at that age and are
prepared for the life-long commitment of marriage to another
person. I was not one of them. First red flag.


I thought I had a pretty good relationship with the Lord, but
there were a lot of things that I did not know, and some of the things
that I did know were not fully understood. I certainly did not
understand God’s design for marriage. It’s so tragic that many of us
spend little or no time preparing for marriage, but we’ll spend time
and energy preparing for things that are a lot less significant in
comparison. Take driving a car for example. We all know (those of
us who are lawful) that before we can get our driver’s license, we
need to study and learn what driving is all about, what rules are
involved, and what the best driving practices are. The hope is that
after passing the test we will be examples of informed and safe
drivers, and consequently avoid causing harm to ourselves or
someone else. Entering into marriage, on the other hand, is a lot of
times not even given the same consideration as learning to drive a
car! As a result, many marriages end up wrecked; sometimes with
casualties.


Some little girls dream about the kind of man that they hope to
marry, but I never did that. I had my share of adolescent boyfriendgirlfriend
relationships, but in reality, I had only two “adult”
relationships prior to this—one at the age of eighteen and the other
at the age of twenty—and the only thing I took away from both of
them was an experience of distrust. I did not understand the
dynamics involved in a good male-female relationship. I did not
know anything about developing a friendship, or trust, or getting to
know about what makes the other person who they are (their
background, beliefs, family, personality, experiences, etc.). I knew
nothing about the importance of communication, or the progressing
stages of a relationship, or goals, plans, and ambitions. Nothing! To
complicate matters, the church I grew up in taught that once you met
and began to go out with someone (i.e. to court or date them with
the intention of marriage), you were to get married within six
months. I suppose that in some strange way the time limit was to
ensure a good and godly relationship. Even though I had an extra six
months in my relationship, the time constraint was not a helpful
factor. Not only did I lack a clear picture of who I was, what kind of
person would be best suited for me, and who I would be best
suited for, I did not allow enough time to develop a friendship and
really get to know the person I ended up marrying. More red flags.
The man I married (who I’ll refer to as ‘Mr. Ex’) professed to
be a born again believer, but here’s another red flag: Mr. Ex had
only been saved for a year and prior to that was completely
unchurched. I say he “professed” to have been a born again believer
because he appearedto have had a genuine conversion experience.
What I did not understand then was that when a tree starts to bud,
it takes time to see what kind of fruit will be produced, and when
someone becomes a born again believer, it takes time to see the fruit
of genuine conversion.

After becoming a “Christian,” Mr. Ex became quite active in the
church: he ushered, sang in the choir, attended fasting and prayer
services every Monday, prayer meeting and Bible study every
Wednesday, and worship services every Sunday. But, believe it or
not, that was not enough. Just because a person participates in
“church related” activities does not mean he or she is in a right
relationship with God. Christ said there will be many on the day of
judgment who will try to use church related activity as a means of
justifying themselves. This is what Christ said in Matthew 7:21-23:


“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the
kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my
Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day,
‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your
name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I
will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you…’”


There’s an expression that says, “Time has a big mouth and if
you give something enough time, it will tell you everything you need
to know.” How true this is. I had not known Mr. Ex long before he
started coming to church. As a matter of fact, he came to church
because of me (another possible red flag). That in itself was not a
negative thing, but it does take time to uncover a person’s true
motive.


Everyone was impressed with Mr. Ex’s zeal and faithful
attendance, but all that glittered was not gold. I may not have been
unequally yoked with an unbeliever (as far as I could ascertain at that
time), but I did not realize at that time the importance of yoking up
with someone who could be my spiritual head. Mr. Ex was not in
a position to be my spiritual head: another red flag. The fact that I
yoked up with someone who for the most part I ended up
instructing and nurturing distorted the blueprint for marriage that
God has ordained.


Yet another red flag was the relationship that Mr. Ex had with his
family. It was not a good one. He did not live with or really know
his father. Sadly, that’s not altogether unusual in our times and
culture. The lack of a father does not necessarily make you a poor
candidate for marriage, but the lack of authority and accountability
does. He also had a poor relationship with his mother. It was
actually through our relationship, and through the intervention of my
own mother that he realized the importance of, and improved his
relationship with his own mother. It is said that if you want some
insight into how a man may treat you as his wife, take a look at how
he treats his own mother.


Mr. Ex also had very low self-esteem. (I’ve lost count as to
which number red flag this is). Do not, I repeat, do notmarry if low
self-esteem is an issue for you or for the person with whom you are
or might become involved. When I refer to a person with ‘low selfesteem’
I’m referring to the person who is unwilling to realize his or
her own value. A person who cannot see any worth in himself or
herself cannot fully value another person’s worth. This is a very
important issue that should be addressed before marriage is even
considered.


Because of Mr. Ex’s low self-esteem, I spent most of my time
propping him up, instructing him, and trying to bolster his ego. You
do enough ego bolstering with a man who has a healthy selfconcept,
so you can imagine what it’s like to be with a man who
already has major issues with himself—it’s draining to say the least!


Mr. Ex’s lack of self-esteem fostered within him a sense of insecurity,
which fostered an environment of secrecy, which fostered an
attitude of selfishness, jealousy, and anger. Red flags five through
ten! It was a downward spiral and I got caught in it. Some of these
traits I saw only a glimpse of before marriage. But where there’s
smoke, there’s fire, and I was about to learn that the fire in him was
burning out of control in more ways than one.


When Mr. Ex approached my mother and stated his intention
to marry me (note: he did not state his desireto marry me, but his
intention—there is a difference) my mother laughed out loud. She
just couldn’t take him seriously because we had only been seeing
each other for a few months at that point. When my mother told me
of Mr. Ex’s intentions I laughed out loud as well, and for the same
reason. But he was determined and persistent, which, by the way,
are sometimes the traits of “Mr. Wrong.” Anyone that is in too
much of a hurry to get married should give you cause for alarm. His
impatience was yet another red flag.


As time went on, the relationship got serious and we eventually
did get engaged. We were both young and dumb, and neither one
of us knew what to expect. It was our church’s practice to present
newly engaged couples to the congregation. When our engagement
was announced, we assumed that we would automatically be called
in for premarital counseling. We waited for a while to be called in
but when the call never came, we decided to be proactive and ask
for counseling. That was the one thing we did do right.
Unfortunately, we did not get what we expected. When we went
in for what we thought would be our first counseling session, it went
exactlylike this:

Counselor: (to him) “Is everyone in agreement?”
Mr. Ex: “Yes.”
Counselor: (to me) “Is everyone in agreement?”
Me: “Yes.”
Counselor: (to us) “Okay, let’s pray.”


That was it! We did not even sit down! After the prayer, we
were dismissed with best wishes. Needless to say, after this whole
experience (the half of which has not yet been told, but keep
reading) I am now a staunch advocate of pre-marital counseling. At
that time, I was so sheltered, I did not even know that there were
other churches where we could have gone in order to get the
counseling we needed. Proper counseling is key! It’s like studying
the driver’s manual before taking the test. Pre-marital counseling
should teach you what marriage is all about, what rules are involved,
and what the best practices are. Without wise counsel, you increase
your chances of your marriage ending up wrecked with you as a
casualty.


Well, somehow or another we made it through the wedding
planning, and the big day came. The wedding was beautiful, but
little did I know the hell I was about to enter into… and it didn’t
take long.